Ans.  This is easy.

Use any computer with Internet access (most public libraries offer these), and our Sign In page (the third page you will come to as you log in) will allow you to open a free YAHOO! email account in less than a minute.

Ans.  Yes.  And please do so.

Maybe 90 percent of the benefits of sites are available to you even without your co-parent’s participation.  You can consider 100 Commitments you can make to your children at this extremely important time in their lives and print a copy of the ones you select.  You will have the chance to fill out the four transforming Exercises.  You’ll receive a lot of engaging personalized feedback along the way.

You can also read short helpful suggestions on the Life Jackets page.  You can join the mailing list.

The only thing missing would be the set of “Agreed Commitments” the website would make from the Commitments you both picked.

Our advice?  Do the website yourself.  Your wife may come around.

Ans.  Yes, you can.

Although it is not the usual practice, for some parents (for example, ones concerned about ongoing dangerous abuse) the website can be completed without inviting the co-parent in.  Simply do the website without clicking on the “Invite Co-Parent” option.

Ans.  This is not a problem.

You do not give away your email address by inviting your co-parent to use the site.  To invite your co-parent in, you will need his/her email address.

If neither of you wishes to give up your email address, just open free, temporary YAHOO! email accounts on the Sign In page.  (See FAQ #2.)  Use those accounts to do the websites and then never use them again.

Ans.  You did not sign on in a way that the website can relate you to each other.  In order to get the Agreed Commitments, one of you needs to (1) sign on first, (2) invite the co-parent in by using the “Invite Co-Parent” icon, and (3) then enter the requested information (simply the first name and email address for the co-parent).

That co-parent, then, needs to enter the site from the email he/she will receive from the website.

If (as it sounds) you both just went to the site and signed on as the first user, this is easy to fix.  If you haven’t already done so, one of you should go back and click on the “Invite Co-Parent” icon and give the requested information (your co-parent’s first name and email address).  The other parent will instantly receive an email and should log on from the link on that email.  It will take only a few minutes or so for that parent to re-click on the Commitments he/she has chosen, and your Agreed Commitments will then be sent to both of you.  (You don’t need to redo your exercises: you can keep and copy these from your current version.)

Ans.  You can’t access your husband’s responses to the four Exercises unless he makes a copy for you.

We intentionally set up the websites this way, as many responses to the four Exercises can be quite personal.  We encourage you, however, to share both your Agreed Commitments and your Exercise responses with a counselor, clergy person, mediator, or other trusted person who can meet with the two of you and help you plan your future co-parenting.

Ans.  Click on the “Forgot Your Password?” link that appears on the homepage.  You will be asked to enter your email address, and your username and password will be instantly emailed to you.

Ans.  You can add to (or change) your responses to the Exercises A through D.  Just log on with your username and password, and you will be taken to the Conclusion page where you will see links to do this.

To add any Commitments you didn’t endorse before, you should redo the whole site.  Just log on anew, using a new username and password.  In other words, you can’t add Commitments once you are finished with the website (or the website wouldn’t be able to produce Agreed Commitments), but you can always go back and redo the Commitments in their entirety.

By the way, this isn’t wasted time.  We encourage couples to go back and redo the Commitments whenever they wish to.  Many couples have reported remarkable improvement from visiting the Commitments a second or even a third time.

Ans.  You’re absolutely right.

The Commitments are guides for your better interaction, including the kind that will help you make your own decisions and stay out of court.

The websites try to make this clear in a couple of places, including in the closing pledge parents sign at the end of the Agreed Commitments:

We, Fran and Mendal, have each signed onto these Commitments (1) because we see them as important to Benny and (2) because we have pledged to observe them from now on for his sake.

These Commitments are not for the purpose of taking each other to court or attacking each other should we slip in observing any of them.  They are more important than that.  They are our essential guides–ones we have chosen–to help us in protecting Benny.  If we slip in observing them, we will only work harder.  We will love Benny all the more.  We will do better and better.

Ans.  This is an excellent question.  Doing the work on the websites begins with choosing the Commitments you think would be important and completing the four Exercises.  However, as with most good things in this world, execution is the key.

Start by looking at the box of suggested uses at the beginning of your Agreed Commitments. Parents who read and use the Commitments help their children and themselves!

Ans.  Absolutely.  Grown kids overwhelmingly want their parents to get along and be happy–whether or not they’re together.

Some of the Commitments may not apply to your family, so you can simply leave those unchecked.  (Remember, you don’t get any grade for the number of Commitments you choose; what matters is choosing the ones you think would be important to your children and yourselves, and then following through.)

Ans.  A great question–and the answer is  Yes!

It’s always bittersweet to read the regular comments we receive from parents saying they wish www.UpToParents.org had been around five, ten, and even twenty years ago.

We won’t mince words: it’s important to get started early protecting your family.  However–while it is never too early, it is also never too late to do better.

Ans.  An excellent question.  We strongly believe the answer is Yes, but with two provisos.

First, victims of domestic violence may wish to do the Commitments and Exercises without checking the “Invite Co-Parent” icon.  The other parent can do the website, but maybe should do so on a separate track where the Commitments are not blended into a common set (the Agreed Commitments).

Second, our niece Julie (who works in such a shelter) cautions against domestic violence victims’ use of the sites unless they have some counseling along the way.  (Probably all victims of domestic violence should have counseling, of course.)  Julie is concerned about the tendency of some victims of domestic violence to lightly forgive violent behavior or imagine that it will go away without strong interventions.

Therefore, we like the idea that one family judge had: the use of these websites by domestic violence victims, but with supervision from their counselors or a program that can ensure their sensible use.

Ans.  Yes.